


Return of the Bunnies

by DancingLassie



Series: Bunnies of Death [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Humor, Sequel, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 19:23:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingLassie/pseuds/DancingLassie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the Black Gates Aragorn's army is ready to fight for Frodo.  Only their is one tiny, little problem.  Or rather two of them.  Everyone knows that Hobbits aren't allowed to take part in battles.</p>
<p>Better to have read Bunnies of Death first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return of the Bunnies

**Author's Note:**

> So there were some requests for a sequel, and seeing as I have an exam that I am not prepared for tomorrow I decided now was the best time to write it. So here it is. Enjoy!

The battle that took place at the black gates of Mordor would go down in history as a truly epic battle with the forces of light solidly beating down the forces of darkness, despite the odds being stacked against them. 

It did not actually go down like that, but it was generally agreed that the end to Sauron’s reign of terror couldn’t be described as an argument.  Fighting had to have taken place.  Heroic deeds must be accounted for and passed on through the generations.

No one liked the idea of what really happened being passed around and a massive cover up was quickly instigated.  However two small hobbits remembered what had happened and told their cousin who happened to write a book about his adventures.  The book was heavily edited before being released, but one original copy was safely hidden and passed onto the author’s gardener, who told his children, who in turn told their friends, who told their parents, and the Hobbits at least knew the truth of what had happened at that fateful battle.

Though battle might not have been the right word.  Hobbits considered it more of a minor disagreement.  Some argued that it could be a middling disagreement, but as no fighting actually took place and no punches were thrown so it could only ever be considered a minor one. 

It was _supposed_ to have been an epic battle.  The army had been there and rousing speeches had been made.  The men, dwarves and elves were all prepared to die in a hopeless fight for their world.  Except when the Mouth of Sauron stepped forward to brag, everything went to hell.

He held up Frodo’s mithril shirt and proclaimed him dead. 

“We have slain the hobbit.  We have done what armies could not.  The Wielders of Kitchenware have never before fallen in a fight, but your bunny was weak.”

“LIAR!” came a shriek from somewhere around midriff level.  The bit of skin visible around the mouth of the Mouth of Sauron.  He had caught sight of Pippin, the shouter, and Merry who stood proudly next to him glaring defiantly at the Mouth.

The Mouth cleared his throat awkwardly.  “You are aware that _their_ kind are not allowed on the battlefield?”

Aragorn looked back at the two tiny hobbits and smirked.  “Given the circumstances, I decided we could overlook that rule.”

“That’s not fair!” the Mouth whined.

“What’s the matter?”  The twinkle usually present in Gandalf’s eye returned.  “You claim to have killed one hobbit already.  What’s two more?”

“Well, that’s different,” the Mouth complained, starting to look uncomfortable and looking back at the gate for support.  None came, though the Eye was firmly fixed on them.  If it was possible for a flaming red eye to look nervous, then this one pulled it off.

“I don’t believe you,” Merry sniffed.  “There is no way you could kill Bilbo’s nephew.  He would be so mad.  He’d be here so fast and you’d have a teapot shoved so far down your throat it would be coming out yo-”

He was cut off by a shrill shriek of terror coming from behind the Black Gate.

“Not the Bilbo of the Battle of Five Armies!” came a great wail from a distraught orc. 

“That’s the one!” Pippin told the gate cheerfully.  “He’s getting on a bit, but he can still make a great luncheon.  He says it helps keeps his bread knife skills in shape, plus his afternoon tea is not to be missed.  You wouldn’t believe what he could do with a teaspoon.”

A piteous whimper could be heard.

“They’re not allowed to fight!” The Mouth stamped his foot, trying to make his point.

“How are you going to stop them?” Aragorn asked.  “You’ve just killed their kin.  That overrides the law stating they cannot fight.  They are now able to take revenge.  Revenge trumps disqualification.  They can fight.”

“Well, he still lives so there!”

“Then you lied to us,” Pippin told him.  “Gravely insulting that is.”

“We need to get revenge for that,” Merry shook his head sombrely. 

At that moment Mount Doom exploded, a great earthquake struck, and Sauron’s army was swallowed by the ground as the black tower crumbled. 

The surviving army was left to stand their stupidly and wonder if it was appropriate to cheer when they hadn’t actually done anything.

A meeting was held later and it was decided that a cover up was best.  In return for their silence the hobbits were promised prompt and truly excellent meals seven times a day.  They accepted, mainly because Pippin insisted Aragorn had to be present at every second breakfast, seeing as he had so casually dismissed them at the beginning of their journey.

A great sigh of relief could be heard when the hobbits went back to the Shire.  Hopefully the truth would never come to light.

When Bilbo heard the story he laughed so hard and so loud that the dwarves in Erebor shuddered. 

**Author's Note:**

> Now I will revise. Kind of. Oh Freud, why are your ideas so complicated but so easy to mock?


End file.
